Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
