my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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