So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
