The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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