the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize