He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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