I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
