I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
