I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize