Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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