A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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