So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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