I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize