About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
