I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So many bounce houses so little time
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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