she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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