Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
