After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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