You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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