Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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