how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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