come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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