so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
