She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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