I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
