No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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