she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
