Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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