Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm determined to sit on that face.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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