I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
