The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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