For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
