Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
