wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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