Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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