You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize