Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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