if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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