Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
handjob tips. give me some.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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