she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
