Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
