I wanna passion pit in your ass
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
