I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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