I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
