So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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