what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
