i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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