Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's blow job season.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
