I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
