Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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