I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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