well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
