I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
